It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
