y did u give ur computer a hand job?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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