If i come over, it means nothing
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
