I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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