now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Randomize
