how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
