and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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