Will you blow on my dice?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
