Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
