I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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