Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
