oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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