today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize