you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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