I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
