My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
