I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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