babies were throwing up all over the place
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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