So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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