You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
