I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize