He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
