i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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