It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
