How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
