I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize