Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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