Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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