you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
