So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
