I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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