I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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