i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
