Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
