no, he came in my armpit
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
