well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
