After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
