You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
