You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
