"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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