i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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