took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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