i will never coherently bang her
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
