so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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