I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
