You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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