I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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