dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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