do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
