Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
