I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
