insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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