she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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