No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Bring me that man meat
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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