we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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