K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
