In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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