You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
