saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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