I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
