So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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