He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
