dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
