i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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